I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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