I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
