I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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