getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
