Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
