I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Enjoy the penises
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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