if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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