2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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