What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
