My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
