My liver just broke up with me...
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
