shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
