Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Randomize
