btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
