Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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