that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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