i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
