In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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