but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I wear drunk well.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
