i don't like sucking hair
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Randomize
