what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
