'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
