The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
