Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Randomize
