I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
