i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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