you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Randomize
