1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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