I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Randomize
