Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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