I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
