im drinking this country out of the recession.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
