you have to choose: penises or morals?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
