So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
