Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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