I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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