"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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