Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
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I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
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...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
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