If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Randomize
