in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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