just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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