Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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