tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
