ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
