Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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