Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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