I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
