Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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