My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
it glows. i had to have it.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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