Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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