yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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