I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
