You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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