Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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