I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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