Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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