I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
You pole danced in your parka.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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