so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
